Why Is Maroon 5 Still Allowed Studio Time?

Posted: September 25, 2010 by RA in Music
Tags: , ,

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with Maroon 5. On the one hand, they cite folks like Stevie and Prince as their influences. On the other, they do them absolutely no justice, often trotting out work that’s so derivative yet bastardized, it sounds like Stevie as performed by the house band on Dancing With the Stars.

On the one hand, I can’t stand Adam Levine. He irritates the royal shit out of me, despite the fact that I could never be bothered to learn more about him than that he sings in that shitty band that’s somehow got multiple entries on my iPod. On the other, they’ve somehow managed to get multiple entries on my iPod.

But here’s the thing: while I feel I should give them credit for having a few well-crafted songs, I’m more inclined to give them credit for having one well-crafted song (maybe two) they’ve recycled for the last however many years I’ve been locked in this tango of sensory and emotional abuse.

So with that, I’m gonna share everything I like about Maroon 5. I don’t expect it to take too long.

1  & 2. Two songs sexier than they’re usually capable of.



Every now and again, I get a little too hammered. Yet, I somehow wake up the next morning in my bed, clothes perfectly put away and contacts perfectly placed in their case (i.e., not ripped out and ripped up by grubby, drunk-man fingers). It’s a great, if perplexing feeling. Like, “Yeah, I did that shit — I was in control all along!” These songs are Maroon 5’s pristine contacts. Don’t ask ’em to do it again — the first time’s still a mystery.

3. They may be in on it.

If I Never See Your Face Again (ft. Rihanna)

Sure, I may mock them for being a pathetic ’80s pastiche that aspires to Soul but lands somewhere around Rob Palmer. But on this cut, they were clearly aware of their belonging to the luxe gutter that was the ’80s. Here, the synths, thump, and sleazy guitar licks are turned up to 11, and the video is pure Palmer meets American Psycho. Sure, next to Levine, Rihanna sounds like Aretha Franklin, but songs like these aren’t meant for vocal powerhouses. They’re meant for doing rails in the back of a limo on the ride between Dorsia and Club Babylon. Not a damn thing wrong with that.

4. The mellow brilliance of the “She Will Be Loved” Neptunes Remix 

They get no credit for this one.

5. This shit right here…


Yet again, completely embracing the cheese-funk that made them great kinda good. From the guitar bed to the sweet melodic payoff of the chorus, this song is a piece of utterly incredible earcrack. I hate them for putting this out, but I think I hate them more for, once again, not backing up a strong track with a strong album. Sure, it’s still a retread, but at least it’s less so than that second single that sounds a whole lot like that other single.

(Ahh, yes. Another reason I hate Adam Levine. That fucking bounce thing he does when he sings… What a dickbag.)

But yes, Levine + Co. You keep pushing me away and luring me back in, and I’m tired of it. For the last five years, I’ve wished I could quit you. Finally, after five years of disappointments, I’m finally ready to.

I’m just gonna play “Misery” one more time before I go.

  1. Kudos for actually listening to any of their work after Songs About Jane!

  2. idia says:

    merc haha, rhirhi was actually a tad bit animated in the “if i never see ur face” video only cus she was across from the facial dead levine
    side bar- strokin the guitar

  3. merq says:

    I know. That guitar stroke gets my… attention each time.

  4. D says:

    hahaha. methinks the recurring theme here is self-hate, Merq. On so many levels. Paramount of them being you and Adam have a very similar fashion sense 🙂 (i can hear the scream of outrage ALL the way from here. and it tickles my soul. teeheehee)

  5. merq says:

    I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about, oh, anonymomus MadTuesday fan.

  6. fuckm5 says:

    seriously why would any person with only a teaspoon fuilll of taste and individuality listen to marron number 5
    i mean not even their breakthrough hit inspired me to anything but to vormit onto their fans

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